Do I fear not being desired, or do I fear I won’t have ever have a fire-breathing sex life again.

Our best attempts have never breathed fire.

I’ve had that sex before. Our legs and arms twisted and mazed together, smiles and laughing and breathing again and again. I always wanted to have sex with him. It was my only perfect sexual relationship.

The thought of not ever having that for the rest of my life makes me feel old. What have I done?

I’ve stood there and let him verbally degrade me in front of our daughter.

I chose to believe there is something wrong with our daughter rather than see the truth: our daughter is merely reacting to the stress in our family. She is also mimicking her father’s behaviour…and sometimes her mother’s.

I feel like I’ve utterly failed.

They say the first three years are the most important. I missed the boat, and tricked myself into thinking we were on it.

Now what? The truth is now. Denial is so yesterday.

The truth is painful, humbling.

Here’s what I fear my daughter has learned about life: It’s ok to let people shit on you; When you are stressed out, take your angst out on the ones you love.

Here’s what it boils down to: I don’t want to work. I’m a freaking Type B. I’m happiest…beyond happiest when I’m not working. But I have to work. So I have to try to figure out HTF to work and still be happy.

What I’ve been trying to figure out all day…is do I hate working because I feel like I’m not good at it, like I’m not cut out for it? So then it just makes me feel insecure. Or is it simpler…maybe my whole life I’ve been trying to be somebody I’m not. I’m ashamed of being a Type B. In fact, I’d say most of my misery stems from trying to change the fact that I’m a Type B. I really don’t think I have a Type A bone in my body. Is it time for me to accept that I’m a slacker and how to work with that and not against it?

My favourite test question when I’m trying to get perspective is “what would you do if money wasn’t a consideration?” You know what I’d do?? Nothing. I’d spend my days reading, beach combing, going for runs and hikes, hanging out with friends and volunteering. That would make me the happiest person alive.

BUT, I have no money. In fact, I have less than no money as I’m in a colossal amount of debt. So what do I do?

Then my mind jumps back to…do I want to do nothing because I’m scared of failing at something? It’s pretty hard to fail at doing nothing. Do I like the idea of doing nothing because I’d be free of fucking up a job? Making an ass of myself…I’m so scared that the truth is I will always fail at a career.

Then my mind flips back. Do I have to have a career? Why do I want a career? Because that’s how society judges me, ranks me in? Do I want a career so that I can tell people “I do such and such for a living.”

Ok, I’m at a dinner party. There’s a marketing strategist and an artist, who do I gravitate to? Take a guess.

My whole life I’ve both hated and longed to be a part of mainstream society. Nothing in my life apart from having an education has put me in the mainstream. I would be such a happier person if I just accepted and cherished the parts of me that don’t fit in.

I asked my daughter tonight what she wants to be when she grows up. “Me,” she said. “I don’t ever want to be anybody else but me.” She’s three.

A lot of this started with the resume assignment. How do you make being a waitress for 15 years sound good? Ouch, that was a painful thing to write. You add more stuff than being a waitress by doing stuff that isn’t waitering.

Goals: volunteer like a madwoman over Christmas!

What I like most about interviewing is it teaches me to be good listener because if it’s for radio you can’t talk outside of your question. I’ve always thought I was a good listener but that’s bullshit! When people are talking to me, I’m thinking about everything and anything except what they are saying! Example: ex-boyfriend confessing the most horrible time in his life to me; he was sexually abused. That’s all I know about it, not because he didn’t give me all the details, because he did. I wasn’t listening. I’m a shit.

Anyways, I have goals when listening now. Here they are:

• I will shut the fuck up when someone’s talking to me DO NOT INTERRUPT
• I will calm my mind and really take in what they are saying
• I will not talk about myself unless someone asks

Social phobia…yes, it’s present. It’s this voice casting doubt where ever I go. But when it creeps in now, I just say “no” to quote Nancy Reagan. That’s what I do, really. And it works. I just say “no, I’m done. I’m not living like this anymore.” And it’s true. I’m sick of it. It’s gotten me no where but lonely and isolated, and so, at 34, I’m done.

One more thing: I need to stay relaxed. It’s essential. When my shoulders are relaxed, and I feel calm social situations run without a glitch. I don’t say stupid things. I can focus more on the job at hand, and I do a better job.

To summarize, I’m happy. I’m scared it’s all going to go away, but things are different than they ever have been. Instead of sitting on the computer analyzing my thoughts and my personality on why I’m such a failure, I’ve just stopped being a failure. It’s all about risk and change.

Did I mention I want to run a marathon?

• to be out of debt
• a job in journalism
• to be involved in a community of service to other people
• to live on Vancouver Island

Those are specific tangible goals and they all need a plan involving action before they can be achieved.

• I need to come up with a payment plan and stick to it AND I need to stop spending money!!!
• The ball’s rolling…I’m enrolled in a post-grad journalism course. If there are initially no jobs I will volunteer somewhere to build up a resume.
• When I’m done school I want to find a volunteer community where I can be of good use. I can start looking into that now.
• I need to come up with a savings plan, research jobs, and volunteer situations.

I was thinking today that I feel like I have nobody to talk to. That’s a weird thing to think because I have four amazing friends that are great to talk. But as much as I can express everything in my heart, no one will ever fully get it, and no one can tell me what to do. No to mention people have their own lives and their own shit to think about. How well do we ever know anybody? A is right. We are all alone.

I am not the person I want to be. I don’t know how much of me change. Will I always be introverted and ashamed of that? Should I work on acceptance or work on becoming more outgoing? Will I ever be able to talk to someone like M and not feel like a geeky, unsuccessful, socially awkward failure as a human?

My relationship is almost over, and I feel like I should be more emotional about it, but I’m so angry with him that it feels more like a relief than anything. I don’t really know how he feels yet. I think he wants out. He’s a lone wolf and I made a mistake. He’s miserable. He said he feels like a caged animal, and that’s pretty much how he acts. When he’s rude to me or ignores me when I speak, I want to scream. I’m not going to live like this anymore.

This is my life, and I’m a loser. If someone were to say that to me about them self, I would spend some considerable time trying to convince them that they’re not. But I am. This depresses the fuck out of me, but I don’t plan to be a loser forever. I’m going to school (again), so that I can get out of waitressing. This will add $13 000 more to my debt load, but that is step 2 (the 1st step being school). Then I plan to spend the next 2 years reducing my debt-load as much as humanly possible, while some how trying to save up for a down payment on a house.

All this will mean great sacrifices, and I don’t think A can handle any of them. It will mean 2 years of frugality that will drive him crazy. Right now, I don’t think we will make it because besides him being rude to me all the time, we both have completely different ways of getting what we want in life. It’s too hard.

I love his brain. He is one of the most intelligent persons I have ever met. He retains concepts and ideas and is able to translate in a way I can understand. He is well-read, spiritual, and I think he could have been a painter, a photographer, a writer. I love his potential. That is a tricky thing to love.

Done, and thank you. Now I can be true to myself.

- Thomas Merton
(Catholic monk, poet, author and scholar)

Yes! Success in life is determined by making the right choices, and if I really get that, then ultimately that means I take complete responsibility for everything in my life. Life didn’t just happen to me. I put myself exactly where I am through my choices, and a lot of my choices have been great, but now I have a hard one.

I don’t want to live in Calgary…at all. This has never felt like home, and I’ve lived here eight years. The thought of living here another winter drains the life out of me. So Vancouver, right? Yes!!! Every part of body shouts “YES!” Except for the part of me that wonders if taking S away from her family is selfish and cruel of me.

So getting back to choices…how do I know if I’m making the right choice? I believe (and I could be wrong) that Vancouver would help me to “fulfill the deepest capacity of my real self”. I feel there would be more career opportunities, and there is something about the west coast that just nourishes me. When I’m walking on the beach, I feel like I’m home. I’m grounded. I think it’s vital for S to see me doing everything I can to reach my potential. That’s who I want her to be. BUT how will leaving her family affect her life, and especially leaving to a place where we don’t know anybody. Here we are starting to form a community. This is where SHE feels grounded. So how much of my life do I sacrifice for hers?

That’s the f’ing question, and it’s killing me.